If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”