She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
good for her
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I don’t think my car can fly
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.