Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…