“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You Might Also Like
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
mathematically impossible
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.