RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.