My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
peak technology
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.