ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Doctors texting each other.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
plant them where lol
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better