Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Guy who likes music
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.