when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time