#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won鈥檛 move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl鈥檚 cashier confused.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
HEY! WE DON鈥橳 THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 馃拃” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that鈥檚 the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour鈥檚 ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.