bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.