A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The pointless tidy up before a play date.