Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I need a headline like this
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.