parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
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Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.