Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Tuesday
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds