[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.