Cardio Made Easy
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
this country is so goddamn polarized
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart