Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I’m awake but I object,
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes