I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Autocarrot sucks!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what