Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
That’s it.I’m out.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh