“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
So true for me
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
This meal prepping shit is easy
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender