Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.