Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.