I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Wait for it
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.