If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday