‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You Might Also Like
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America