might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
We’ve all been there
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.