It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
This is so me 😂😂
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*