My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*