“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite