Just parrot things
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT