Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…