Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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Not today, today.
Not today.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*