You Might Also Like
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.