[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You Might Also Like
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition