I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.