Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
You Might Also Like
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
He-man has a Masters degree
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.