me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
This guy’s not having it 😆
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Not all heroes wear capes….
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.