I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
You Might Also Like
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
peeping toms
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.