I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.