Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
respect
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby