*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
gm
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.