If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.