With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
She puts the hot in psychotic
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*launders Kohls cash*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram