[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]