My Guy
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.