wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*