My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
You Might Also Like
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I鈥檓 attracted to squirrels now.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
2008- This Master鈥檚 degree is going to change my life!
2019- I鈥檝e got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I didn’t realize that was an option
nurse: height
me: i鈥檓 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine鈥uess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his馃槑
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can鈥檛 think straight
-i鈥檓 exhausted
-3 people are dead
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon鈥檚 light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn鈥檛 make light, stupid.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn鈥檛 stop worrying about it. I don鈥檛 know how pirates do it.