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just make the entire table out of coaster
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Omg 🤣
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
this is uni
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.