Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
War & Peace
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.